In late May, 2011, two significant things happened to me. The dates weren’t exact. There wasn’t one shining day where the clouds opened and the sunlight shone through and suddenly there I was. The first was D.B. offering me an option deal for “Possession” and me discovering I had feelings for you. Since then, I haven’t heard word one from him and have lost you as a friend.

Now we enter the philosophising portion of this. Hold on to your hat. It may get rough.

Without hearing the offer of the option, I would still be in the dreamland of “what if”. I would still me musing about the possibility and consoling myself with the fact that my work, my passion, my life was a cautionary tale for others to heed. A little self-pitying, I know, but I have always felt I’m trying to do something that no one else I know is trying to do. Accepting failure, accepting that I’ve already failed was a significant step forward. It is freeing. Accepting failure with you… that’s something which was far more difficult.

Without realizing my feelings for you, I would be… we would be pretty much ticking along as normal. Life would have changed, as it does, but at the very least I would still have been able to speak to you when I was hurting, laugh with you… As I have written previously, friends are there to make the good better and the bad a little more bearable. In this, I have failed.

In both situations I have experienced the possible realization of a potential dream. Could I meet a woman whose path so reflected my own? One who I longed to spent time with, who fired my imagination, who had an almost elemental effect on me? Could I meet this woman and not realize who and what she was until it was too late.

I go over that night in the car so many times. I say, foolishly, I wasn’t interested, and you ask me to “protect” you from his advances. I think that neither of us gave a good accounting of our feelings that night. At that time, I didn’t see you, you didn’t see him… it remains unclear how you see me, though I can guess that they are… not enough for me now.

In the intervening months, little has changed.

I took up the veil when I focused in on my writing; relationships were never my strong suit and now… If the option had come through, we would never have come to this. I’d be gone, off in LA doing the LA thing. If the option has never been mentioned, I would never had considered it a realistic option. I’d be ticking over as before. And if I hadn’t started to spend more time with you, all the while putting a limit on my feelings, little of what has transpired would have happened. But, as the pressure built, rumbling below the surface, an explosion was only to be expected.

So, what is this I owe you? An explanation, to be sure. An apology, most definitely. And my time. It’s yours if you want it.

Two important points I should make off the bat. Firstly is that this is a perception game, not one based in destiny or fate. The second is that it is in your world, not the world at large. They are basically the same point, but from either ends of the spectrum, as your world if based on your perceptions. So, the first point is about interpretation, while the second is about your personal paradigm. Pieces and the whole.

So, why this now? Well, people. There are certain people who, mostly, are without purpose. They appear to be foolish, or downright idiotic. Selfish, or obvious. The sort of folk who seem to go out of their way to share misery. I know some like this, and they’re use had become more readily apparent today, and previous days. So, this is a little thought about how to use these people to greatest personal advantage.

That sounds odd, especially because they will never know they are being used. Take this example of what I’m talking about; the friend of my mother decided she wanted to lose weight so she put the photo of a prominent national politician on her refrigerator door and in her cubical in work. The politician was, and still is, fat. Very fat. So each time my mother’s friend thought about snacking she would be presented with this woman’s face, multiple chins and all. And it worked. She lost a couple of stone (14 lbs each) in weight, and was very happy with the outcome. The politician was none the wiser, but may have been sent a fruit basket… anonymously.

The public figure never knew of her use in this project, but it can be argued that the woman may never have gotten through her weight-loss regiment without it.

In a similar way, when I was in school, my social group was a group of guys who ranged across the school years. One of the guys, “G”, who was a year ahead of me failed (or didn’t do as well as they would have liked on) their final exams, and repeated the tests. In Ireland, that takes a full year to do. It’s called repeating the leaving, and there is some heavy stigmatization attached to it. So, a year later, I’m coming up to my exams and G is going for his repeat. When studying a second friend “N”, one in my year, put up a sign beside his study desk saying “I will not be like G”. This story appears to be roughly the same as the first, except that G knew that N was doing this. Pretty much a dick move.

N was unrepentant, because he didn’t want to fail and knew that this would help. Letting G know was him not caring what G was going through himself.

So, using your perceptions of others can be helpful and harmless, assuming of course, you keep them to yourself. The moment you tell your friend that his girlfriend’s in your spank-bank or explain to your boss how you count the number of mindless cliché’s he uses as a way to make it through a meeting, then you just become a dick.

Recently, I’ve been dealing with a sort of personal upheaval. Feeling became apparent, relationships were torn asunder. If it was one-on-one, then I could probably deal with it better. Indeed, normally, I process multiple same opinions as one, but this is different. I’m raw. I’m angry. So, I’m not firing on all cylinders. So, her suitors and her supporters have irked me.

Until today. Today I was reminded of this philosophy and over the course of a series of moments, I found myself finding an ease point. And here’s the point that’s not like the others;

If you want to know how someone else feels, don’t ask them. Talk to their closest, most confidential, most trusted friend. Why? You don’t expect them to break a trust? No. But, they will be armed only, and exclusively, with the information provided by the subject. The hot button topics, the big issues. If they do talk, it will be about them. If they don’t speak, they might let a nugget slip about why they’re pissed, which will be why the subject is pissed.

I’ve often found that significant others are the best sources of information. They have access to a larger pool of information, and are often not as equipped to deal with the questions which are asked. Think about it in reverse, for a second, before you dismiss it out of hand. How many times has your boyfriend/girlfriend said something which you told them in confidence to the one person they shouldn’t have had? How often has something come back to you that only your significant other would have known? It’s not out of malice or spit (except when it is, but that’s for another post). It’s them trying to help, trying to be there for you. And because they have a lot of information, they think they can do it. But, the problem is, they don’t have all the information.

So, the greater the egotist, the more massive the dick, the larger the benefit you can gain from them… if it’s only to piss them off. They act out of a good place, but their lack of experience and one-sided knowledge base means that they can never either truly hurt you, nor never offer good support. They are, in truth, echo chambers, allowing the briefest, scantiest morsels of (often partly corrupted) data to slip through. But, when you’re dealing with a subject’s feelings, corrupted data is gold.

Wooh, that was an incoherent ramble…

A letter to SWWNBNed…

In the end, the enduring feeling is one of being pissed; at myself, at you and at the other. But, mostly at you.

The was a recent set by the comedian Seth Meyers at the White House Correspondence Dinner. There, he said that the only person to beat Obama in 2012 was Obama 2008. If you were to ask me who you should have listened to at the start of all this, it would be you. You who were unconvinced of the good intentions of the other. You who questioned his truths as lies. You who asked me to always be present, to avoid the others’ advances. You who, if in a small degree, heeded the warnings from others contained in his reputation. But, that “you” didn’t last all that long. She should have lasted a whole lot longer. I liked her a hell of a lot more than I do you.

But, for the pretty boy, you happily spread your legs. He doesn’t have much to do these days, since his friends move up to Dublin, so he’ll do you for the time being. I do wonder how it will start. The realization. The “oh fuck” moment. The singular event that will allow the scales fall from your eyes as quickly as your panties hit the floor.

Since the you of old devolved into the you of now, you’ve received waves of bad advice. I have to wonder about the motivations of your suitor-come-advisers. You’ve spread your legs for one of them, at least, one which turned away from you when you wanted a little bit more humanity/compassion. I tend to believe his motivations are rebound-related. He’ll be there when the shit hits the fan, and he’ll collect another notch on his bedpost. Other advisers I could name have similar appetites, though little experience to apply them. Others still are those who believe have the weight of me, who have sized me up, and yet you have spoken of these with such disdain. I wonder now if you listen to their words as gospel.

You trust the wrong people, children mostly. I can’t say that I’m the most worldly of folks, but I will put my tenure on this planet against that menagerie of muppetry any day of the week. When I think about the status quo after this one, I am forced to consider all the bad tithing, awful things, derogatory statements made in such company about me, whether endorsed by you tacitly or vocally. I walked away to protect myself from you. Why would I return and accept this sort of shit as a given? You may be pissed at me, and I at you, but I don’t accept this sort of blind abuse.

So, it comes to this. The end will come between you and the other, and I’ll get messages from both sides, no doubt, looking to reconnect, but to no avail. For the other, I was done a long time ago. And with you? Well, it would take a massive act of contrition to make me turn my head.

“I’m thinking of thinking of calling her up. After my afternoon nap.
I’m thinking of thinking of buying her flowers, right after Molly gets back.
So many fishes left in the sea, so many fishes, but no one for me”

G’kar does the best version of this I’ve heard.

Does it means anything more than the fragment of a romantic still left inside me seeking a “will they/won’t they” outcome. Can this piece of me still hope for anything more than some spat out words and maybe an acknowledgement that I was right. She, like many of her kind, has her yes men, many of which seek a way into her pants. Let them try, some will undoubtedly succeed. They will reassure her that she’s doing the right thing, that she is in the right, even when things fall apart. She will always be right, in their eyes, as flattery is the tactic of choice (and why wouldn’t it be? It works!).

I think far too much about this. And while I’m sure this won’t be my last journal entry on this, this one is coming to a close.

No act of contrition will fix this. No grand gesture, no word, no deed will make this change from what it is. This is because it is broken.

One can fantasize and make-believe, one can say what if about all those moments that come after the argument, after that moment of heat and anger and truth, but the path through those oh-too-common demons is illusive. There are too many blind cue de sacs and dead ends to navigate with any sense of hope (oh, yes, that false hope) of coming out on the other side to find that you haven’t burned up what could have been and destroyed what was.

Strangely, it’s not any recent change which has brought me too this status. It is something that has been in place all this time. It is the question of what people like, not what they’re like. In this case, the what also includes who people like. It is the valuing of idiocy. It is the prizing of moronic fools. While this, in and of itself, is bad enough in my mind, it is the thought that she knows they are morons, she knows they are idiots and yet they still deserve her time. Why? Because she may get a sense of betterment out of it, at the expense of the idiots. Her self value is increased, knowing these morons are out there. That gives me pause, and questions my value of her.

While this may change. While I may have a change of heart in twelve minutes time, for the moment, I’m comfortable to let this one side. I’ll keep the Kendo, she can have the chicken.

Try as we might, we can’t help connect with others, even briefly. I’ve made it a habit to make those contacts as brief as possible. Sometimes they stretch a year, more often a few months. Occasionally, one hangs around and falls into “the best of times, worst of times” friendship. Something about me, or something about the other, forces a repulsion and from there after, we pass trying to not notice the other.

I can see the me, in this. I can see the negative gravitational force, appearing to be a strength. I won’t be lied to. I won’t accept second place. And I want to be needed. Finding someone who will do all these three things is a rarity. So, ultimately, one will lie or be dismissive or act in a selfish manner, and that will be it. Done, and done.

What I’m left with is the theater which happens as I move through, move away. The eddies and tides caused by in my wake, or more accurately, the reaction to my wake. I do not claim power or influence in this regard. I just say that as no man is an island, we develop certain reactions and patterns of response to another’s wake. Sometimes I like to try to predict these, other times I am too far away to see and maybe get a third-party report somewhere down the line. Either way, at some point in the drama of fracturing relationships, someone’s not keeping an eye on all their plates, and some tip and fall… to the delight of the audience.

Sounds cruel, I know. I have nothing really to say in that regard, except to say that the proportional response is a highly underrated tool. Physics and the bible agree on one thing; someone takes your eye, the counter force should take theirs.

So, these recent events have put be down for a time; seated in a comfortable chair to consider the future. The outcome is that I don’t know. I have probabilities and possibilities, but it’s all up to someone else. Someone else to ask the wrong question or give the wrong answer. Someone else to say the wrong thing. Someone’s true color’s to show. But, even at that, it may not have any blow back to me. I may never get that call, I may never get tapped on the shoulder. I await a paradigm shift which may never come.

In truth, these is very little left to say on my end. All my truths are out there. All they need to do is put them in the right order, and that will be that. My focus is the US. No one shall be on my coat-tails. I am attracted to her. My focus is still the US.

If I am a bad man, then so be it. You can accept me as I stand, or shuffle on. There’s only another three billion guys on the face of the planet. Perhaps one of them will be more to your taste.

“The fallacy of Meritocracy” – The best sure as hell don’t rise to the top. The hungriest, the strongest, the ruthless…est. Those with completely different skill sets than required to do the job. If you can glad-hand, kiss ass and lie, you’re gonna be golden.

“Failure is merely a matter of dates” – As there is no such thing as a prophet, a fortune-teller or a Soothsayer, no one can truly see the future. As such, no one can say for certain whether something will happen or won’t. A thought both comforting and frightening. We are islands, adrift in this sea of life, with the occasional glance of human contact to keep us sane, and no one can tell us where we’re going. It is enough to drive some to drink, but it is in the endless potential of that unknowing, the cosmic infinities of possibles and ever-changing probables which keeps me going. So, as with fashion, accept failures when they come… they will hold you in good stead come tomorrow… maybe…

“The day-to-day continuation of Lysenko’s biology” – The lie is eminently useful. Both to one’s self and to those around. The best and worst form is the lie that is both to the self and to others. It can be often easier to accept. If the other accepts the falsehood as truth, then it’s easier for you to believe it too. Problem is, once you start, you can never stop. Never ever stop.

“The danger of the house of cards” – Life is perception (and opinion… and bias… but let’s stick with perception right now). That which we perceive, that which we believe to be true is true, at least for us. I completely accept that Hell is a real place for some people. A place of fear and turmoil, where their loving God will send them if they so much as think about boffing the neighbor’s wife. There is comfortable perceptions, prerequisite perceptions and those we want to be true, no matter what our other senses may tell us.

“Lists” – lists are important. I need more lists.

“You chose your friends and your family” – Biology, history, geography and other subjects taught in schools around the Globe are not the be-all-and-end-all of human relations. Sharing these things doesn’t provide intimacy, not really. Biology provides similarity, history provides nostalgia, while geography provides convenience. Those who you’re closest too, they are your family. And your folks. That goes without sayin’… Cherish them.

“The philosophy of She-who-must-be-obeyed” – A good truth, perhaps not a real truth, but a good truth is that we get what we deserve. Whether it’s our dinner order, our choice in government or our spouses. We get what we deserve. A defeatist tone, perhaps, but one which has a flip side. That which we deserve changes per our actions. We stand up and vote, we get the government we want. We send back the fly-adorned soup, we enjoy our meal. We speak up, we take the risk, we make the move, and we will find ourselves… well, approaching content!

“A lesson to take home… to a House… 221b” – Life is not the reduction of misery or the striving for eternal happiness; it is the search for contentment. Accept this truth if nothing else. Your life right now; if it’s good, it’ll get shitty. If it’s bad, it’ll get good again. Ups and downs, swings and roundabouts. Call to a deaf heaven when you’re in the crapper, scream you’re a golden god when high on life (and possibly Acid), maximise the good, minimise the bad, and move the fuck on. Min/Maxing ain’t for D&D anymore. Oh, and get a couple good friends. They’ll help. That’s their job.

Until next year…

We hang out more than we should. I think about you more than I should. More than is fair, to either of us. More than is fair about a woman involved with someone who, on the surface, is a friend. And yet, there is a part of me which still wants to think about you. This one force telling me to engage, telling me that things can change for the better, is counteracted by the force telling me that temporary is not enough.

I am pinned by wants. I yearn to go to the States and all that entails. Yet the reality is that it might not happen for a long time, despite all the best intentions of this one producer. In the time it would take me to finally have the confidence, to have the right paperwork, the right position, to move to the States a hundred relationships can live and die. I do not pursue. I do not chase. I do not court favor. I have shut myself off to all of those potential possibilities, or so I thought.

This babble has gone on quiet long enough. Let’s see some facts. He is not a friend. Hasn’t been one for quite some time. I caught him in too many lies, too many self-aggrandizing moments to believe that a friend lies beyond the words. At best, he’d a gaming buddy. A poker pal. Someone I see once a week, no more. His actions towards you were downright sleazy. Showed nothing but disrespect and distrust and were thoroughly dishonest. He is an idiot, a liar, and a fool. You are, in all likelihood, nothing more to him than a tick on a list, a notch on the headboard. You deserve far more than him. It goes without saying, but it’s nice to say it. You are worth much more than he sees. Of the few people I value, the few I would miss if I left, he would not be amongst them. But, you would.

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that if two people (of the opposite sex) spend time together, if they enjoy each other’s company, that one may develop an attraction for the other. Unbidden, not asked for, but there it is all the same.  That which was not a consideration before rears its’ head as a question asked. Are you attracted to her?

She is not a consolation prize. She is not the thing you get if you stay. She is worth more than that. She is a friend, before, after, during this rush of hormones and mixed/misinterpreted signals.

It is decidedly not fair to ask, to say, to do anything. Not to her. Yet, I suffer in silence. Well, this is as vocal as I get these days.

Universe, you’ve had your fun, now let’s get my ass to the US.

Well, for the longest time, there wasn’t. There was an absence of female obsession in my day-to-day, but as I have spent more and more time with her, that has changed. This could be wild infatuation, or an immature response to current state, or a hope to force the universe to make that which is potential and possible real. Yes, Schroedinger’s cat has done a number on my psyche.

I expect those around me to suspect my carnal interests in her. I would say their assumptions were unfounded, as the intent of our relationship was nothing more than harmless fun and some mutual interests (of a non-carnal nature!). But, when our (potential/possible) relationship was interrupted by another, then my feelings were thrown into stark relief.

It must be said that the first obsession does interfere with the second. She is well aware of my direction, and while she has lamented the fact that it will leave her to her own devices, she has wished me well. It is very conceivable that because of this direction, I am considered safe in her eyes. The immasculated male friend who is the shoulder and the ear… something I’ve been many times before, and will be again.

My feelings at the moment are annoyingly specific. I am attracted to her, yet I don’t have interest in a long-term serious relationship because of obsession one. Obsession one has been knocking about for a month now, and I feel that the stress and uncertainty of that situation has caused me to look for some sort of success certainty. Getting laid would certainly be of the good, but sacrificing a growing and positive friendship for it wouldn’t be. If there was a friends-with-benefits option on the table…

I want to be more to her. I want to be more important to her. I just don’t know how to go about it without completely up-turning the apple cart.

She is a friend. She is the former girlfriend of a friend of mine. Neither is a greater or better friend than another, though the rule of bros before hos is echoing around my head at the moment. She has just started dating another (ostensive) friend, one with a reputation of using women. Not violent or abusive, just selfish and unthinking. I can see it ending so badly.

Three things are on my mind. First is jealousy, the second is jealousy, and the third of information. The first is that I am jealous of any new relationship. I am happy for the friends involved, but even of the participants aren’t friends, I still have a pang of jealousy about the lack of similar relationships in my life. Yes, this is a path I have chosen for myself. I took up the veil, and knuckled down to the writing, a decision which may, soon, bear some fruit. But, I do miss the wondrous potential of a new relationship. Like the blank page, it holds all the potential of wonderment and heartache, and all the grey in-between.

The second is jealousy of someone taking up the time of my friend. I want to spend time with her, and not as a third wheel. I’ve experience this jealousy before with other platonic friends, so it’s not a romantic thing. It’s about someone intruding into my world without my permission. Selfish I know, but the people I value I can count on one hand. I like to keep them to me.

The third is information. I know the new suitor well enough to suspect that his intentions aren’t honorable. This could be little more than a young guy wanting to get laid, and for all his other conquests I’ve remained silent because the women in the equation weren’t my friends. This is different this time. Add to this that I’d recently started picking up on a number of falsehoods, a number of questionable statements of fact that has made me wary of his true intentions to anyone, his true face.So, do I tell the girl about these misgivings? Do I warn her off?

The question raises itself through all this… do I have stronger feelings for her than I initially realised? And the answer is probably, yes, but not so much that I would act on them. I like her, I enjoy spending time with her, and she is very attractive. But, there is/was something else. Something preventing me from taking that next step, either with my heart or my hand.

Maybe it’s her ex-boyfriend. Maybe it’s my focus and direction at the moment. Maybe I don’t recognise it when I see it anymore. Or maybe I don’t want to spoil the friendship. In truth, I think it’s a little bit of everything, and add a little of I want to be the one pursued. If she pursued me, I’d probably let her catch me.

At the end, I won’t tell her my misgivings. I’ve told her that I’m happy for her, that she should take things slow, that I will murder the bloke if he hurts her, and that she always knows were I am. I have the strangest longing to be the hero once more, to be the shoulder. Such a sinister core to a nice action.