Goodnight America, wherever you are.
It’s 2:38am, so this will be uncharacteristically brief.
No act of contrition will fix this. No grand gesture, no word, no deed will make this change from what it is. This is because it is broken.
One can fantasize and make-believe, one can say what if about all those moments that come after the argument, after that moment of heat and anger and truth, but the path through those oh-too-common demons is illusive. There are too many blind cue de sacs and dead ends to navigate with any sense of hope (oh, yes, that false hope) of coming out on the other side to find that you haven’t burned up what could have been and destroyed what was.
Strangely, it’s not any recent change which has brought me too this status. It is something that has been in place all this time. It is the question of what people like, not what they’re like. In this case, the what also includes who people like. It is the valuing of idiocy. It is the prizing of moronic fools. While this, in and of itself, is bad enough in my mind, it is the thought that she knows they are morons, she knows they are idiots and yet they still deserve her time. Why? Because she may get a sense of betterment out of it, at the expense of the idiots. Her self value is increased, knowing these morons are out there. That gives me pause, and questions my value of her.
While this may change. While I may have a change of heart in twelve minutes time, for the moment, I’m comfortable to let this one side. I’ll keep the Kendo, she can have the chicken.
