Obsession redux
I asked the universe, in all it’s glory, to give me something else, someone else to obsess over. And true to form, it gave me two. The first is the prospect of getting all that I have dreamed. Yeah, just that. A single call or e-mail could change my life for the better, forever. One document, one contract, one signature, and the first of what I hope to be many pay days. The second is the girl. There’s always a girl.
Well, for the longest time, there wasn’t. There was an absence of female obsession in my day-to-day, but as I have spent more and more time with her, that has changed. This could be wild infatuation, or an immature response to current state, or a hope to force the universe to make that which is potential and possible real. Yes, Schroedinger’s cat has done a number on my psyche.
I expect those around me to suspect my carnal interests in her. I would say their assumptions were unfounded, as the intent of our relationship was nothing more than harmless fun and some mutual interests (of a non-carnal nature!). But, when our (potential/possible) relationship was interrupted by another, then my feelings were thrown into stark relief.
It must be said that the first obsession does interfere with the second. She is well aware of my direction, and while she has lamented the fact that it will leave her to her own devices, she has wished me well. It is very conceivable that because of this direction, I am considered safe in her eyes. The immasculated male friend who is the shoulder and the ear… something I’ve been many times before, and will be again.
My feelings at the moment are annoyingly specific. I am attracted to her, yet I don’t have interest in a long-term serious relationship because of obsession one. Obsession one has been knocking about for a month now, and I feel that the stress and uncertainty of that situation has caused me to look for some sort of success certainty. Getting laid would certainly be of the good, but sacrificing a growing and positive friendship for it wouldn’t be. If there was a friends-with-benefits option on the table…
I want to be more to her. I want to be more important to her. I just don’t know how to go about it without completely up-turning the apple cart.
